London baggage

I recently flew to London for three days of meetings. Generally speaking, I like to pack light and avoid checking bags when I can. I knew I could easily fit my clothes into a small back pack and would also need my laptop case. I was not sure of baggage regulations for London, so called both US Airways for the flight in and United for the flight home. Both assured me their policy of one carry on and one "personal" item (which includes laptops) applied to my trip.

So off I went. Getting there was no issue, but the way back home was different. In Heathrow, I passed those baggie people - those people at the airport who hand out quart size bags for 3 oz or less liquids. "No thanks," I said proudly , "I brought my own baggie." I am not sure if I offended her because she then looked at my two pieces of luggage and said I couldn't take both through security. Only one bag per person for security. Hmmm. I needed to clarify this.

"Are you saying I need to check my bag?" I politely questioned.
"No," she replied, "you can carry both onto the plane, but you can only carry one bag through security."

Hmmm. Does she know I need to go through security to actually get onto the plane. This is like telling me I am more than welcome to bring an elephant onto the plane, but of course, I am not allowed to bring that elephant through security.

I must have looked dumbfounded, because she suggested I get a plastic bag from the "Glorious British" souvenir shop behind me and put both pieces into it. If I could fit my two luggage items into the one plastic bag, I could go through security. Ok, so, on their own these bags pose a security risk, but put together in a single plastic bag, you have sudden safety. I don't fully understand, but I need to get on the plane.

I go to the Glorious British shop.
I ask if I can have a plastic bag to get through security.
The clerk seems to understand the situation, and replies, "You need to buy something,"
"Can I buy a plastic bag?" I ask.
"No, we don't sell bags. But if you buy something from the shop, I can put it in a bag"
I see a chocolate bar in front of me. It is much much smaller than my luggage.
"If I buy this will you give me a bag big enough to put my luggage in?" I ask while holding up the candy bar.
"I will give you the biggest bag we have"
"Can I see the bag?"
She shows me the bag.
I ask for her opinion, "do you think my luggage will fit in that bag?"
"Sure" she replies, although I am not sure if she was really so sure.

I buy the chocolate. She gives me the bag. I somehow stuff my backpack and laptop case into the bag although it is really not large enough. It does rip in various spots, but my luggage is mostly in. I carry it through to the security checkpoint. But of course, now I need to take out my laptop for inspection. I do that and jam the bags back into the plastic bag, tearing it just a little more. The inspector eyes the bag, I assume to make sure the individual bags do not escape from the plastic and cause havoc in the airport.

I get to the gate. Oh-uh. Another security check. And this looks serious. They actually pat you down, swab you shoes for explosive residue, and go through your bags. Luckily I kept the half torn plastic bag. If they finger me as a security risk I can quickly pull out the plastic bag and jam my luggage into it, assuaging all fears. And thank god I didn't bring that elephant.

They don't seem to mind my bags. I get through and onto the plane.

And at least I have some chocolate.